Healthy Conversations
Development by Age
| Developmental Stage | Developmental Tasks | Educational Approach |
|---|---|---|
| Ages 0-1: Infant | Basic Trust, Attention, Soothing, Nurturance | Infants are beginning to learn about sexuality. Parents are their main teachers. Naming parts of the body, holding and hugging begins to develop trust. Model healthy relationships in the home now and throughout child’s life. |
| Ages 2-3: Toddler | Early Autonomy, Exploration, Self-Control, Power Struggles | Children at this age are learning about their bodies. They learn about their world through play. They can learn simple self-care tasks such as brushing teeth and bathing. Self-touching and soothing behaviors might be noticed. Teach about privacy for these actions and respect for our bodies. Do not overreact. |
| Ages 4-5: Preschool | Initiative, Testing Limits, Gaining Competence, Reality vs. Fantasy | Children begin asking questions about where babies come from and can understand simple answers. Create a home where children feel free to talk about bodies, health, and sexuality. Children may include sexual behaviors in play such as kissing and laying down together. Use these opportunities to point to love in relationships and how to say no to unwanted touch. |
| Ages 6-8: School Age | Meeting the World, Comfort Away, Absorbing Learning Socialization | Children are beginning to be able to understand complex issues about health, disease, and sexuality. The world is providing grownup information. Kids need concrete understandable answers. Discuss how children choose who to play with and how to say no to being with people they do not feel comfortable with. |
| Ages 9-10: Preadolescent | Peer Influence, Role Models, Do I Measure Up?, Gender Differences | Children begin the changes of puberty and are concerned about their appearances. Social pressure (kids talking at school, comparing themselves to others) necessitates that parents talk about sexuality directly. Highlight the diversity of boys’ and girls’ bodies and self-acceptance. Positive messages about our bodies will support self-esteem throughout this period of change. |
| Ages 11-13: Early Adolescence | Family vs. Friends, Body Image, Boredom, Attitude | Kids are focused on their bodies. Accurate information is vital regarding intercourse, pregnancy, STDs and HIV. The message is that sexuality has consequences. Talk about the continuum of intimate behaviors from holding hands, hugs, and kissing to intercourse. Share family values about age appropriate sexual behavior. |
| Ages 14-16: Middle Adolescence | Rebellion, Sexuality, Parent Conflict, Morals | Parents should continue to share the family’s values about sexuality and be sure to ask your child about their developing values. Teens should know that the best way to prevent STDs, HIV or pregnancy is abstinence. Discuss safe sex alternatives. Keep the lines of communication open. Avoid being judgmental. |
| Ages 17-19: Late Adolescence | Identity, Autonomy, Values, Leaving Home | Social pressure and emancipation status require clear positions that: 1) Choices have consequences 2) Safety and health concerns outweigh pleasure and experimentation 3) Connect self-respect to empowerment |
How to Talk with Your Kids: Framework for Healthy Conversations
When parents initiate a discussion or an opportunity arises to talk, here are some helpful steps for healthy and meaningful conversations. These steps do not always occur in this order and you may jump around to different steps during different parts of the conversation.
- Invite your child to a conversation with you.
- Assess your child’s readiness: If the child’s discomfort is high, make the conversation brief and positive to build comfort and trust for further conversations.
- Share facts and values with your child: for example- “I heard your friend say that girls cannot get pregnant before they are 16. That is wrong. A girl can get pregnant any time her menstrual cycle starts. That is one of the many reason I don’t believe that girls should be having sex when they are young. What did you think about what your friend said?”
- Invite your child to share feelings, thoughts, concerns (see above example)
What does my child want and/or need from me? This could mean things like more information, support with what they are thinking/feeling, strategies to help them deal with a situation, and/or space to think things through. - What do I want from them? The most important thing is for your child to be comfortable to come back for more conversations and to understand what was discussed. For example: “I hope this was not too uncomfortable for you, it can be awkward talking about sex. I think we will get better at it. Can I check in with you to be sure we understood each other today?”
- Check back in with your child frequently to double check their understanding and keep the conversation going.
When your child initiates a discussion or an opportunity arises to talk, here are some helpful steps for healthy and meaningful conversations. These steps do not always occur in this order and you may jump around to different steps during different parts of the conversation.
- Begin by really listening: As a parent it is important to learn more about what the child wants and needs. This could be information, support, strategies, values or combinations of all these.
- Answer what the child is asking: It is important to give the child the information that they want to know. Look for the question behind the question.
- Assess readiness for more: After giving them the information they want, are they comfortable and ready to hear more about this topic and/or related topics? Ask questions.
- Share facts and your values: Kids want to know how you feel about these topics and how they relate to the world around them.
- Invite your child to share his/her feelings, thoughts, and concerns on this topic or others that are raised in the discussion. This is an opportunity to get a window into your child’s world…finding out what is happening at school or with friends and how he/she feels about his/her life at that moment.
- What does my child want and/or need from me? This could be more information, support, strategies for dealing with these issues, and/or space. It is okay if you do not know the answers to all of their questions. After validating your child’s questions, you can always say, “I am not sure of that answer. Can I find out more information and get back to you?” or “Let’s find that out together.”
- What do I want from them? The most important thing is for your child to be comfortable to come back for more conversations and to understand what was discussed.
- Check back in with your child frequently to double check their understanding and keep the conversation going.
Talking to Your Kids About Sexuality:
10 Communication Tips
Parents are the primary sexuality educators for their children. The following tips can help increase our effectiveness.
Be an “askable parent.” Reward questions. Don’t worry about knowing all the answers to your children’s questions; what you know is a lot less important than how you respond. If you can convey the message that no subject, including sex, is forbidden in your home, you’ll be doing just fine.
Find “teachable moments.” If your child hasn’t started asking questions about sex, look for a good opportunity to bring it up. Say for instance, the mother of a 10-year-old’s best friend is pregnant. You can say, “Did you notice that David’s mom’s tummy is getting bigger? That’s because she’s going to have a baby and she’s carrying it inside her. Do you know how the baby got inside her?” then let the conversation move from there.
You don’t need to wait until they ask a question.
It is okay to feel uncomfortable. Relax. Even if you can’t quite overcome your discomfort, don’t worry about admitting it to your kids. It’s okay to say something like, “You know, I’m uncomfortable talking about sex because my parents never talked with me about it. But I want us to be able to talk about anything—including sex—so please come to me if you have any questions. And if I don’t know the answer, I’ll find out.”
Be sure to talk about the joys of sexuality. Being honest about the positive aspects of healthy sexual relationships will build trust between you and your children. They know that sex has risks and benefits and need to learn that from you.
Listen, listen, and listen. Practice “active listening.” Encourage your child to open up to you, find out information from him/her by asking questions, make sure you understand what your child is saying (you may want to repeat what you think he/she is saying back to them for confirmation), and talk about your feeling and his/her feelings about the situation. Always encourage further communication.
Facts are not enough. It’s our responsibility to let our children know our values about sex. Although they may not adopt these values as they mature, at least they’ll be aware of them as they struggle to figure out how they feel and want to behave. Think about the values you want your child to hear from you about many different aspects of sexuality and work them into teachable moments when you can. Know what is being taught about sexuality in your schools, churches and youth groups.
When you talk to your children about sexuality, you are telling them that you care about their happiness and well-being. Be aware of the “question behind the question.” Look at body language and think about events going on in the current moment or in the child’s life that might be prompting the question(s). Ask questions to find out what your child really want to know. It may be that your child wants to know something else but isn’t sure how to ask.